so its 4:54 in the morning i cant sleep again… im getting really tired of going through this once again… ever since i found out i was adopted its screwed up everything like my sleep patterns.. like im tired but i just lay there thinking … im starting to get really annoyed with it … when i do sleep i get these insane dreams and im getting tired of it… i have a sleep test i gotta do tonight … and im not lookin forward to it … im so scared… i dont like new places… or new ppl .. or nurses or doctors watching me or monitoring me so im basically freakin out… my bf doesnt wanna come with me … i dont friggin know why and my freind agreed to come but its just gonna be weird and i donno the whole thing freaks me out … the next whole part is that i have to tell my parents and i have no clue how there gonna react … oh well i guess i wish i could sleep it be so nice liek i keep trying but then i just get pissed and come on my laptop… i donno :s anyways i hope all goes well and mabey improve …

so iits 1:36 in the afternoon…. i spend most of my day sleeping well not really only a few hrs. i may go back and sleep some more becuase i havent been sleeping well…. im so exhausted but that could be the depression im under. my dogs being cute she wants my attention but i wont be too long… its amazing how cold it is in my room…. mind you thats just me because im always cold i had a blood test done yesterday to see if my being cold all the time is related to my thyroid…. i guess we’ll see. nyways i have the heater on and i think im gonna go take a nap because im going to collaps from exhaustion soon…

I can’t believe it I’m at the go station and thanks to my “father” I missed my bus and now I’m sitting in the cold waiting for the next train to take me to toronto… Can someone plz explain to me how insomnia is my fault .. Is it even possible to control it? … I don’t think so .. And my dad thinks I’m some sort of freak. Because I can’t sleep I’m so tired of my life…. You have insomnia,because for years now,you spend hours in the internet,talk to useless people like charlton.
If you to see a doctor,in brampton, i will come too.
As far as i am concerned,you choosed,the wrong path and there is nothing i can do,since you refused o listen.

so its 5:48 and i was supposed to go to gymnastics today but i woke up late mind u my dad whos supposed to drive me was even more late so i ended up not going… no help to all the harrasment that i had to go through this morning… it was brutal .. anyways i got pissed so i spent pretty much the whole day in my room sleeping … probly gonna go back to bed soon if matt doesnt messge me…:( i guess today is one of those days…..

i had this whole drama errupt from me saying that i want to adopt a baby yes ppl i know theres a process and they dont give a kid to just anyone so dont worry my cash flow wont be bothered cuz i’ll be by myself being harrassed by my parents… anyways i think i might go take a nap im just wayy too tired to deal today

so its 1:51 am and i just got off msn with the hottest guy i know matt and like always he seems to come up with some lame excuse of how he cant text or messge me b.c his sleep cycle is all messed up …. anywasy i really like him he was my first kiss i guess thats why im so infactuated with him… i wish he would pay a tiny bit of attention to me but i doubt it will happen…  its like my whole rest of my life… my parents will never be positive and supportive and i doubt any guy wil be interested in me like that … i donno y i keep trying with him i wish i could give up… when we were in highschool together we used to cook for big events in the caf wiht one of our favorite teachers he was alwasy there for me when my whole life crashed becuase of the stupidity my parents put me through ( mind you this was before i found out i was adopted) so i know what kind of person he is … kind loving and gentle but at the time he was going through alot of stuff too his dad was on drugs from an accident and he got addicted to them making him leave his family … of course i dont know all the deatails he never would tell me…..  i trust him with my life he was my first kiss and i donno if i regret that yet or not … i love him like a brother kind of but more that a brother hes like my best freind.. i know he doesnt think that way tho… what i dont  understand why he comes to me to ask the more dirtier favours… he knows lots of girls…. why doesnt he ask them :( ?? sigh…. i guess the only thing i really want is his attention…. i can manipulate any guy into wanting me and saying they would do anything except the only guy i care about … why cant i let him go ….

so its 4:45 pm and i really want to go to bed… i was supposed to go out today and return a book and my parents decided to yell at me all morning so i slept in instead… when i actually got up and my parents came home i asked them to go out and they refused. they promised me yesterday that they would take me as long as it wasnt after 5 or 6 and its not so im really angry that ppl keep giving me empty promises. anywas i ended up cleaning my guinnea pig cage at 1 am so i got asleep late … now im just waiting to go back to sleep im not really sure what to do with my self right now. there are a few books i got that i should start reading so mabey i`ll do that plus i could check the mail so i guess i`ll sign off till later.

so its 1:27 am and i cant sleep my dog took up half my bed and my hamsters running on that stupid wheel… i wonder what goes through their minds… i wonder if they honsetly think there going somewhere lol. i wish i could call my friend anna but its way too late and i know my parents will start yelling at me. i dont get how they can hear me when im whispering to the phone having a conversation in my room with the door shut when their be is wayy across on the other side of their bedroom … :S oh well … ive been thinking about this dream ive been having about this house its the same dream like before this time its a bit different b.c i get to see the neibourhood. i actually really wish i lived their because it seems so nice so much to do with the actual house and its so big and theirs so much space. i wish i could just buy that house right now ….. i wonder what it means though….